Single Life

John Buckstone

John Baldwin Buckstone

Single Life / A Comedy, in Three Acts

ACT I

SCENE I. —An apartment at MR. NIGGLE’S. A sideboard, with cupboard, on the U.E.R. Window, with curtains, on the F.E.L. A round table, L., chairs, &c.

MISS SNARE discovered seated at table, L., looking over the books, &c

Miss Sna.(Reading.) “The Young Man’s best Companion” – a very excellent book for youth; but at Mr. Niggle’s age, he ought to possess his best companion in a devoted and amiable wife; heigho! What a treasure I should be to any man that could properly understand me. (Takes up another book.) “The Epistles of Abelard and Heloise.” I am pleased to see this book on his table, it proves that he possesses a taste for sentiment of the highest order, and can admire devotedness and passion under the most trying circumstances. “The Newgate Calender.” Bless the man, what can induce him to have such a book as this in his house; surely he can have no sympathy with housebreakers and assassins? I must look to this: should I ever be the mistress here, some of these volumes must be removed – this furniture too – very well for a bachelor; but when he is married, a change must be made. And those curtains, how slovenly they are put up. Ah, any one can discover the want of a presiding female hand in a bachelor’s house – where is the neatness, the order, and the good taste that prevails in all the arrangements, where the master of the house is a married man. If ever I am Mrs. Niggle, down shall come those curtains, away shall go that sideboard, off shall go those chairs, and as for this table – let me look at its legs —(Lifts up the cover and examines the legs of it.)

В В В В [DAMPER peeps in, F.E.L.

Dam. Hollo! hollo!

Miss Sna. Oh! how you frightened me.

Dam. It’s a very suspicious thing when an old maid examines a bachelor’s furniture.

Miss Sna. Good morning, Mr. Damper, I was merely observing Mr. Niggle’s table legs.

Dam. (L.) Ah! when an old maid finds herself on her own last legs, ’tis time she should observe those of other people.

Miss Sna. (L.) What a censorious man you are, Mr. Damper, you rail at our sex as if you considered it man’s natural enemy, instead of his best friend. Is it possible that you have never loved a woman in all your life?

Dam. I love a woman! Ugh! I look upon you all as the first great cause of every evil.

Miss Sna. For, like most first great causes, you don’t understand us.

Dam. If I don’t, I have no wish to acquire any such useless knowledge. May I ask what you want at my friend Niggle’s, so early in the morning: some conspiracy, I’ll be bound. I wont allow it, Miss Snare; if you think to inveigle him into matrimony, you’ll find yourself mistaken; he shall never marry, if I can prevent him making such a ninny of himself.

Miss Sna. It is entirely through your interference, I have been told, that he is in a state of celibacy; and, though the poor gentleman is now fifty-five, yet ever since he arrived at years of discretion, he has been sighing and pining for a wife.

Dam. He would have been a ruined man long ago, but for me; five times have I saved him from the matrimonial precipice.

Miss Sna. How did you save him?

Dam. How? I have discovered his intention to marry, and knowing how nervous he is upon the subject, I have always interfered in time, told him in strong language the evils he was bringing upon his head, brought instances of married misery so plainly before his eyes, that I have frightened him out of his wits; and one morning, eight years ago, he was actually dressed and on his way to church to unite himself to some designing woman, when I luckily met him, and dragged him back again by the collar.

Miss Sna. And he had to pay five hundred pounds damages, in an action for breach of promise.

Dam. But he purchased independence and happiness with the money. I have been his best friend through life; didn’t I go out with him when he was challenged by a young lady’s brother, twenty years ago, because I made him relinquish his a