Anecdotes. Humor from Russia
Михаил Курсеев
Сборник содержит лучшие анекдоты, собранные автором за последние три года. Человек, обладающий чувством юмора, эту книгу может сделать настольной, а лучше застольной. Делитесь юмором с друзьями всегда и везде.
Anecdotes
Humor from Russia
Editor Михаил Курсеев
Translator Андрей Мозжухин
© Андрей Мозжухин, translation, 2018
ISBNВ 978-5-4493-0648-7
Created with Ridero smart publishing system
***
Once aВ Russian, an American and aВ JewВ met:
The American says:
– Let’s meet at my place, I will arrange for snacks (he is naming a hell of dainty dishes)
The Russian says:
– Well then, I will come with a carton of vodka!
The Jew says:
– And me, I will come with my brother.
***
An Arab is toiling along aВ desert. Suddenly, he sees aВ vendor kiosk with aВ Jew inВ aВ serving hatch. The Arab addressesВ him:
– Have a heart, give me some water.
– I have no water, but I can sell you a red tie.
– Why, the hell, should I have a tie in the desert? You’d better give water!
– I told you, I have n water. Bu there is a restaurant in a mile. My brother is its owner. Go there, he will give you water.
InВ an hour the Arab crept back with his tongue hangingВ out.
– OK, man, sell me your fucking tie.
– What’s the matter?
– Your brother didn’t let me in without a tie!
***
Making aВ visit with:
American: with self-esteem and dignity.
Russian: with aВ bottle ofВ vodka.
French: with an inamorata.
Jew: with the wife and aВ cake.
Returning from guests:
American: with self-esteem and dignity
Russian: with ta blackВ eye.
French: with the host’s wife
Jew: with the wife and aВ cake.
What do they think ofВ on return:
American “Did I lose my self-esteem?”
Russian: “Will Svetka let me in or kick me off?”
French: “There is still a daughter”
Jew: “There are still oranges”
***
– Tanechka, it seems to me that I am pregnant.
– And what are the signs?
– I am sick of work and I really want to be by a salty sea.
***
AВ mother ofВ aВ second-former calls her friend. Her son is also aВ second-former.
– Have you done your sons math homework?
– Yes, I have.
– May I cheat it off?
***
AВ husband asks his wife inВ the morning:
– What did you think of at night, when I came home with a black eye?
– Nothing at all. Then there was no black eye.
***
AВ husband told his wife inВ the morning:
– Honey, I thought over to-night and decided that I will no more quarrel and argue with you.
– You just look at him…..he decided…..but did you ask me?
***
– Darling, let’s give your mother money for her birthday gift
– You mean fifty thousand
– Oh, my! Is she five centuries old?
***
AВ husband and aВ wife quarrel.
AВ wife:
– I won’t go with you anywhere.
– But why then did you put on such dress and make-up as a beauty?
– Just, I want you to see what a beauty didn’t go with you.
***
Tsilia talks with Moysha:
– Come to me this evening, my husband will go out.
– How will I know that your husband’s gone?
– I will throw a penny in the window. It will ting and you may come.
In the evening Moysha came under Tsilia’s window. Tsilia threw the penny. In ten minutes she stepped out on the balcony and shouted in the darkness:
– Moysha, are you here?
– Out there.
– What are you doing there?
– Looking for the penny.
– Look at this make-up of a Jew – Tsilia sighed – I have lifted it on a thread already.
***
AВ phone buzzer sounded inВ the apartment, while the dad-lawyer and the mom-medicolegist were out. The son has lifted aВ handset and having been asked toВ call the parents answered the call:
– My dad is in the prison and my mom is in the
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